Sem's End

I don’t really know how to act or what to feel: this semester is going to be my last. My friend and thesis partner is already so excited to graduate. I am a year ahead of her and I’d already overstayed for a year, and its curious to know that I’m much less overjoyed by the idea of finally being out of school. I’m planning on taking a masters degree in a field other than communication, meaning I’ll be going back to school sooner or later, but still I can’t get this sad feeling out of my system. Maybe because until now I’m still undecided about what to do after school. It can be also be because I know I didn’t do well or haven’t accomplished anything in my almost five years in UP. Compared with other students taking Journalism or another communication course, I seem to lack direction. Also, I seem to not have mastered whatever it is that I need to master as a future journalist. Truth be told, I don’t even know if I’m going to practice. But I would like to write, to be able to publish something. I just don’t know what it would be at this point. I would like to be a book reviewer. Yeah, don’t I try to make a career out of my favourite pastime?

My life has its purpose, and I drive it

I don’t believe that my purpose in life had been predetermined before I was sent done on earth by the all mighty force. I believe that I have the freedom to choose what I will do with my life. I think that as long as I live a good life – by my society’s standards – I’m fine. I won’t be sent down to the fires of hell. If I’m a bum then I’m a bum, not because god has chosen me to be one, but because I chose to be a pain in my mother’s life. Well my life has a purpose, and that is determined by my own interests, whether they be selfish or unselfish.

Religion

I don’t have a religion. I can’t remember when I started not subscribing to what my parents believe in. I cannot say that I am happy with the decision to stop calling myself a Roman Catholic, but I’m contented with the way I see things right now. I believe that surviving isn’t about believing to the truest religion, it is simply about faith. I’m still confused, trying to find the answer I don’t know if available, since nobody has found out the absolute truth yet. I believe that there is a god: I usually converse with god. The conversations were actually one way, with me doing all the talk. I haven’t heard him or felt him, even once, but I believe god is there somewhere. I can’t say that my faith has not been shattered; I would be a hypocrite then. It had been more than once. More than ten times even, but less than a hundred. It’s normal I think and god can understand it. I just wonder when I’ll found out the truth. Should I die first?

Missed Shots

There are so many chances that showed their faces to me, to change things, to make my life better. But it seemed that I was much more comfortable with the way my life is running right now, so I didn’t give them that much attention. I simply let go of the opportunities I now think of as impossible to have again. But as people say, there’s no use crying over spilled milk, so I shouldn’t mop around. I should start making things better for myself. Maybe the reason why I did not jump on the chances was because they are for my own selfish interests, and that the outcome of my actions would be for worse and not for the better.

I need to change myself first. The negative attitudes I have, all the negative thinking. I should have a positive outlook in life. I should not think very lowly of myself, and stop pitying myself for the circumstances in my life that I didn’t have control over. Right now I can control my life, at least on what course my future will take. I should take things seriously now, no more playing. I should not depend too much on my fate, or my parents, or other people. Independent should now describe my self. I’m 21 already but I haven’t done anything I could be proud of someday. I would like to see my name somewhere someday.